Don’t be a people pleaser – it’s just not for you

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Identify why you are a people pleaser

Hi, I’m Heather and I’m a people pleaser. There I said it – out loud. Have you heard it said, “she never met a stranger”?  Well that’s me. I seem to find something I like about everyone I get to know and I make the assumption that everyone else is like that too. Since I’m very accepting of others, I think they will be just as accepting of me. However, when I feel like I’m not being accepted, I have a difficult time understanding it and I go into people pleasing mode. Now that I understand the chain of events that causes this unwanted trait, I can work more efficiently to get rid of it!

What Am I Being Motivated By?

Sometimes, without realizing it, we go to extreme measures to be liked. Something that helps me when I’m down is to ask myself “what am I being motivating by?” If it’s to be well liked or score points with others, I can see that I need to make some changes in my thinking. To be at peace, we need to make choices motivated by our values, goals, dreams & passions. We also need to do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do, not so we can impress others or put a “notch in our belt”. We cannot control the thoughts other people have about us. Further, when we fight to change negative perceptions by trying to win the admiration or love of others, it almost always creates a negative space in our life. Who needs that? Not me! Not anyone!

Acknowledge Your Needs

Successful relationships depend on qualities such as kindness, tact and consideration of other peoples feelings & needs  However, we must strike a balance as we try to meet our needs & those of others. People pleasers often deprieve themselves of what they need or want to fill a need or percieved need of another person. If we are always trying to win the affection of others that usually means we have pushed our personalities, feelings & needs to the side. This leads to resentment, hurt feelings & an unsatisfying life.

Hold Onto Your Identity & Reach For Your Goals

There is another problem that comes into the picture when we are busy trying to win hearts: We can lose our own unique identity in the process. If you are a people pleaser, as I am, and you analzye how this trait has affected your life, you will probably see that some or maybe many of your goals & dreams have been hampered by it. The way I see it, being a people pleaser is like putting ourselves in a box. There is lots of great stuff outside the box: our hopes, dreams, goals & all the stuff that we really like. But, when we care too much about what others will think, we get scared to reach outside of the box.The desire to be liked by everyone leads to less productivity in our personal lives & the likelihood of unfulfilled goals. Can we fully accomplish our goals when our minds are over analyzing how we were perceived at the last party or get together? 

Be Yourself……Seriously, Be ….Yourself

One of the biggest people pleasing mistakes I make, is when I’m having a conversation with someone. It is important to me, to connect with others. I like to show personal interest, ask lots of questions & listen intently when talking to others. I also have things i want to share such as, funny stories about me & my husband and the silly stuff we do together. I also want to share my views & ideals & I might even feel like talking about why I was crying the night before. However, sometimes I get self conscious & decide to share very little of myself & keep conversations short & sweet so that others will still like me when I’m finished talking. When I do that, I am walking away from an opportunity to connect with others & be appreciated for who I truly am. When I let go of those feelings & I’m just being myself, I feel liked and even loved by those around me. Even when the reception of others isn’t warm & fuzzy, I still feel great when I walk away knowing I was true to myself. On so many levels, just being yourself makes so much sense. It feels freeing to live life like you mean it. Can you you identify ways in which you modifiy your behavior around others?  

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This was good for me! Now as a refresher here’s what I need to do when I start feeling those pesky people pleaser blues:

  • Identify why you are a people pleaser
  • What is motivating yourfeelings
  • Acknowledge and maintain your personal needs
  • Hold on to your identity and reach out to achieve your personal goals
  • Always be yourseyourself

 

Here are some articles I enjoyed on this subject

http://www.theartofadd.com/2012/11/08/worrying-about-others/

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/6-steps-stop-worrying-about-what-other-people-think-you.html

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-12627/4-steps-to-stop-worrying-about-what-other-people-think-of-you.html

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